Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
