peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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