she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
