Jerry, you need to find god
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
FUCK WHALES
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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