I think I won the penis lottery.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
