tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
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It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My penis needs a shock collar
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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