I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
