I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
