im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
