singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
