I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
