Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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