If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
