I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
