I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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