look no pants
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
