I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
