I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
