I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
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Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Found your dick twin last night
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
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I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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