I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
