I will die if light touches me.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
