You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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