Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
