You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
