First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We have started to decorate penises.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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