Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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