Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
