New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
