you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
