he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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