So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
