I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
