We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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