his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
