please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
