it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
