I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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