Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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