Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
