i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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