so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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