I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
3pm strippers are depressing
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
