let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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