I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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