After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
