I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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