if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
