Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
