Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
