What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
