So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
