careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
