the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
