is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
