genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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